'AITA for telling my niece why I've kept a distance from her and her parents?' UPDATED (2024)

"AITA for telling my niece why I kept a distance from her and her parents growing up?"

I (42M) have a niece Lily (18F). Lily is the result of an affair my ex fiancee had with my brother while we were still together. I was led to believe Lily was mine throughout the entire pregnancy and almost signed her birth certificate before my ex confessed out of guilt that Lily was probably my brothers.

We did a DNA test and Lily wasn't mine. During my teens I got into an accident which left me infertile, the doctors said my chances of fathering a child were slim to nonexistent so you can imagine how crushed I felt when I discovered that not only I'm not going to be a father but I was also betrayed by 2 people I loved.

Its been years since and I did well for myself. I'm the first in my family to attend University and I landed a high paying job right after graduation, I own my own business, invest in property and since I'm both single and childless I can spend my income however I please.

My ex ended up marrying my brother, I'm somewhat cordial towards them but I can't bring myself to fully forgive them for what they did. And although I know Lily is blameless whenever I see her I'm constantly reminded of how I was once overjoyed with holding her in the hospital thinking she was mine, so I can't bare to look at her for too long.

I didn't visit her growing up, didn't take her on fun trips or give her lavish gifts like I did for the rest of my nieces and nephews. I wasn't mean or hateful to her but I will admit I kept my distance.

When my oldest nephew turned 18 I decided that I will pay for his college education since I could efford it while his parents couldn't. I even rented him one of my apartments for cheap so he wouldn't have to worry about money and could focus on getting his education. Since then I did the same thing for 2 of my other nieces.

Last week Lily approached me during a family event and inquired if I could pay for her education, I told her no. She then called me a jerk and asked why I was so distant towards her and her parents to the point where I couldn't even do her the same favor I did for the rest of her cousins.

I told that her parents have enough money to afford her education and asked her how she could possibly expect me to be ok with watching my ex and brother who had an affair behind my back play happy family in front of me. After that Lily got quiet for the rest of the event and left early.

I later got a call from my ex yelling at me for ruining her family, apparently she and my brother didn't bother telling Lily about what they did to me all those years ago and now she is knows she is so angry at them that she decided to go live with her bfs family.

I'm starting to feel guilty that I told her the truth since it affected her more than I thought it would, but at the same time she is grown enough to know the truth and I don't think I could've lied to her face even if I wanted to. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA. Your ex and brother should’ve talked to her. Sounds like maybe she’s asked them why you were distant with them and never got a clear answer, but she did now. Did her parents know she was coming to you to ask you to pay for her education? If so, what did they expect? For you to jump and gladly do it? They are the AH.

said:

NTA. Firstly OP you're a bigger man than me being somewhat cordial, I'd need to sever completely personally. As you say, Lily is blameless in this. I don't think she was out of line asking what the deal was because from her perspective you were treating her poorly, she wasn't getting similar support and there wasn't a reason for that. You filling in the blanks has shifted her perspective.

If her parents wanted this kept under wraps then really they should have severed after you did not, family secrets have a tendancy to come out after all. They didn't have their ducks in a row here and that's not your fault, I get the ex being pissy but really she needs to do some soul searching of her own.

And said:

NTA. As someone in a family who likes to keep secrets, thank you for telling the truth. She deserved to know it and she will appreciate it in the long run. It also gave her understanding on why her uncle treated her so differently, which clearly has plagued her.

I’m sure her parents are upset to be caught in their lies for the second time in nearly two decades but they are THEIR LIES. They are responsible for their lies and the consequences of them. They should have told their own daughter first. Someone was going to tell her eventually, inside or outside the family.

Edit/small update:

For those asking why it was so hard for me to look at Lily all those years, here's a couple of reasons to sum it up:

1.) My ex and I began dating when we were 13 and broke up when we were 24, so 11 years. She knew about my infertility issues and how much I wanted to be a dad and still led me on to believe the baby was mine.

2.) I named Lily when she was born since I always liked the name and wanted to name my daughter that, my ex didn't change her name even after it was discovered she's not mine.

3.) My brother and I look alike, Lily looks like my brother and as a result she also looks a lot like me. If my ex didn't tell me back then I wasn't her father I wouldn't have suspected a thing.

4.) Having to witness a child that looks like me, has the name I chose and was being raised by the woman I loved for so long, all the while being infertile really made it impossible for me to be an active part of Lily's life like I was for her cousins. Not out of resentment to her, but for the sake of my mental health.

I decided to listen to some of your advice and text Lily. I asked her if she would like to meet up and have a conversation about all that went on since like you said she does deserve some answers, she hasn't replied yet, if she will I'll update.

**Big update**

I've met up with Lily yesterday. I told her about my relationship with her mother, how and when it started, went into detail about the accident I went through, the cheating, her birth. I got over everything she asked me about. In turn she told me everything her parents told her about me growing up.

Apparently she was told that around the time she was born I had a miracle baby named Lily that died at the hospital and since she and her share the same name I held some sort of resentment towards her. I am still processing what she told me. I feel like it's such a twisted retelling of what actually happened that it's insulting.

Needles to say there was a lot of crying involved and apologies from both ends. Lily said she's doing better now that she knows the truth and that her bf and his family have been an amazing support to her throughout all this. My family decided to officially cut off any contact from my ex and brother, now that Lily is an adult there is no need to also invite them along so they can see her.

For those asking me if I go to therapy, yes I do. My therapist was the one who suggested I distance myself from Lily and her parents all those years ago and honestly it did do wonders for my mental health so I can't say I regret that decision. I was suicidal back then and I don't think regular contact with them would've possibly done me any good.

I decided that I'll try my best to be more involved in Lily's life now that I don't have to interact with her parents inorder to meet up with her. Lily agreed and said she also want to get to know me better.

Overall this whole incident opened up a lot of old wounds but I'm glad it happened. It needed to happen. All I can say is that I hope that both Lily and I will probably heal from this and move on with our lives.

Sources: Reddit

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